The Idea Of Changing

Let me start this right off with my own personal belief that people don’t change. People honestly do not change.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a pessimistic statement and I’m not that kid dressed in pure black, standing in a corner, and pointing fingers at everyone who is having fun in their lives, calling them all “posers!”, while also simultaneously making sure to never enjoy life in any way. It’s not supposed to be a destroying view/position. I simply mean that in real life, people, once they’ve determined who they are (whether consciously or subconsciously), don’t ever change from that. Sure, people can improve who they are personality-wise, etc. but that certainly doesn’t mean they’ll do a complete 360 degree forever.

They sure can try though. And that sometimes, I think, is sadder than their original, true self that they were trying to improve on.

 

A while ago, I wrote something as a chapter in a flash fiction thing I was doing on another site. To me, while it doesn’t really ‘fit’ with what I’ve just said previously, it somehow adds to what I’m trying to say. I’m not good with words, well not as good as I’d like to be, and more often than not I’m horribly misunderstood (in the “I can’t believe you just said that, you uncaring bitch!”), but that’s okay with me. At least, I tried. So here goes:

 

Lost

When you’re lost, you feel like you’ll never find your way.

You wander aimlessly, searching, hoping.

Sometimes there’s days you don’t want to be found.

You run, hide, rebel in every way.

Even if it’s the worst for you.

But sometimes.

Sometimes you just need to let yourself be found.

 

My thoughts are everywhere today. I can’t seem to get a good firm grasp on them nor can I seem to make them focus on one sole thing. I have much to do, much to start, and much to finish. There is a pile of homework next to me and there are two quarter started chapters lying limp and tragically orphaned on my flashdrive. (I finally invested in one of those.) Will I start/finish them?

Eventually.

But as for this post, it is the result of reading a spectacular piece (their book will soon be coming out and I suggest everyone to read it when it does) concerning relationships and how (which sadly happens often around the world a lot) people morph themselves into what they think their partner would approve of.

I, for one, briefly did this. I tried to change myself into fitting the mold that would satisfy that ‘special’ (haha!) person. But, bit by bit, the “me” would shine through. You see, I could only hide who I really was for so long before the mask I was using began to crack and splinter. And then what? They were not happy with who I was.

They did not understand that I simply could not get animated enough to want to fully immerse myself into a physical relationship. They could not understand that I did not want to drink, smoke, or do weed. And the worst part, they could not understand my dream.

In order to continue the relationship, I would have to forgo who I was. And by that point, I realized I simply could not do that. Forget wanting to or trying to, it simply wasn’t possible. I tried it out for two years and where did it get me? Absolutely no where. What did it get me? Two wasted years that could’ve been spent hanging out with friends that I had pushed aside. I couldn’t do it any longer. I could try and I’ve been taught to always try, but in the end – People Don’t Change.

I’m thankful I realized this early in life. I know some can go for decades without realizing this. Can continue doing unhealthy things because they don’t. For example, abusive relationships. Why does one partner decide to remain with someone who abuses them? With someone who can’t change? Everyone sees it, but they don’t. And that’s because they haven’t come to terms with the fact that people don’t change. You can improve yourself, you just can’t make a completely new you. There is no avatar/user profile making going on.

People Don’t Change.

And Sometimes Fear Makes People Do Stupid Things

Upon realizing, the doom of the relationship, I did the worst thing ever. I made sure I wasn’t the one to end it – because I was afraid. I did not want to give up, but more importantly, I did not want to be the one to end it all after so many things. It was pride mostly. See, I had sacrificed a few things to ‘change’ who I was and if I called it quits, then what were all those sacrifices for? Nothing. Wasted, meaningless sacrifices = stupid to me. Who wants to be stupid? No one.

So I waited. I waited and waited for an ending that I knew was coming. And when it wasn’t coming fast enough, I sped it up. I purposefully did one thing that will forever be grained into the memory of that person, eternally destroying one moment that usually is very important in a senior’s life.

Prom.

I wrecked Prom for them. I kind of still laugh about it now, briefly. Then I sober up and think what kind of horrible person am I for doing that. Of course, I didn’t do something horrendous like cheat or anything of the sort, but I did make a promise I knew I wouldn’t keep. And why? So that they’d be mad at me. Mad enough to end the relationship. All because I didn’t have the big enough backbone to do it myself. That’s just spite and it’s also called being a coward.

I did learn from it though. I learned a lot from just one relationship. Am I actively seeking another? Hell no. I want to relax for a bit.

But when I do, I already know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to be me.