Christmas Truce, Anyone? (Part I)
I wrote this for Matt Black’s Christmas Themed Blog Party.
I had briefly toyed with the idea of writing a Santa-elf erotica fic just ‘cos I had nothing else to do….and it’d be funny…at least for me. But, I decided that it would take too much time and that it’d be funnier and certainly more fun to write some ‘fluffy’ crack.
So here goes. Presenting some crazed, completely AU, makes-sense-in-my-head, Batman fanfic crack!
Bruce arrived an hour earlier than the agreed time; two hours ahead of schedule. He had meant to make his grand entrance fashionably late, but that plan had been shattered with Alfred pointing out, somewhat snarkily, that he’d be clad in all black with his alternate ego coming out to play and not billionaire playboy.
This meant, of course, that Batman had to come early, very early. While a truce had been called for the special occassion, most of those attending were not to be completely trusted and so exits needed to be secured and rooms need to be scoped out. He had checked everything yesterday when they had decorated the place and even in the morning when the final preparations were made, but still – one could never be too careful. Especially if a purple clad individual was going to make an appearance as well.
The armload of brightly colored red and green boxes were starting to cause his arms to ache so he set them down underneath the tree they’d set up the day before. Once he arranged the boxes around the base, he pulled out a sparkly purple package from his bag and placed it neatly on top of of the middle stack, giving it a fond pat. Yeah, he was a pain, a major one, but being enemies for so long had caused their relationship to morph into something somewhat familiar and maybe even a tiny bit friendly. It seemed so wrong not to get the man a gift.
Bruce grinned. He couldn’t wait to see his mortal enemy’s face. A small sense of pride filled his chest at the image of gleeful giggling and a happy “Oh Bats, you shouldn’t have!” He basked in the small daydream for awhile, then wiped the smile off his face, turned, and stepped into the nearest room. He had work to do and only about an hour before everyone would arrive.
“Batman?” A familiar voice says.
Bruce blinks. And blinks again, rapidly, his mind short circuiting and shutting down. He’s not quite sure that the green…thing…in front of him is the Comissioner. “Gordon?”
The green blurb nods and pulls the stupified Batman into a hug. “I saw the gifts and was sorely relieved that I wasn’t the first one.” A hand moves to arrange the fluffy green and white hat perched on his head to a more comfortable angle. “Y’know, I really hate being the first person and all, so uh..thanks for that.”
“Mhmm..” He really didn’t need his brain anyways.
Noticing Batman’s wide eyed stare, Gordon detaches himself and steps back. He spreads his hands out in a flourish. “Cool, right? I made it myself.” He does a shimmy and the green smock-like suit flops around like a dying fish. “Betcha didn’t know I’m handy with needle and thread.”
I just be you are, Bruce thinks dryly.
A knock on the door grabs both men’s attention and Bruce is thankful that he can finally uncross his eyes. He promises himself to avoid staring in Gordon’s direction for the rest of the night, lest he get caught up in that web of fashion disaster.
It’s John and Bane. Each clasping Christmas themed bags in their hands.
“Hello.” Bane dips his head politely.
“Uh yeah…Hi.” John pushes forward, cheeks slightly flushed. “We uh..we didn’t come..uh together…we just arrived..at the same time…”
Bane twinkles his eyes at Bruce and his lips twitch into an amused smile. “Yes, we arrived at the same time.”
Bruce was about to point out, cheekily, to John that his gift bags were the same as Bane’s when John let out a screech. “What is that?”
“What is what?” Gordon craned his head and looked all around.
“That!” John pointed at him. “What are you wearing?! Actually, what are you?!”
Gordon pouted. “You can’t tell?”
“NO! STAY AWAY!”
Gordon took a step forward. “I’m an elf..” He reached out to John, his arms like claws and the coarse green fabric brushes against John’s cheek. “I made it myself. See, isn’t it nice?”
Instant contact with Gordon’s fingers causes his mouth to flap open and John yells, scrambling backwards. “Bane! Bane! BANE, HELP! ” Bane glides forward and John latches onto his arm, wailing, “It’s going to eat me! The green monster is going to EAT meee!”
Bane chuckles and places his hands onto John’s shoulders, steering them past Bruce and Gordon and onto a sofa. He gathers John into his arms, who currently whimpering like a wounded, terrified puppy has completely forgotten to keep up the visage of them not being in a relationship, his head already buried into Bane’s chest, and murmurs soothingly, “Shhh, Habibi. No one’s going to eat you.”
Gordon turns to Bruce with a wounded look. “Is it that terrible?”
Bruce winces, but shrugs his shoulders and turns back to the door to greet the new arrivals. “Glad you came.”
“So are we, ” giggles Harley and she gives him a tiny wave. She’s dressed in a tiny santa outfit and he’s quite amazed that her chest hasn’t popped completely out of the tight fabric yet. “We almost didn’t come.” She glares idignantly at her partner. “Someone forgot about it.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is, anyways.” Grumbled Ivy. “Who is actually going to enjoy this? It’s wierd and plain creepy.”
Harley smacks her shoulder. “It is not creepy! Or wierd!”
“It is too!!” Ivy transfers their bags into her left hand and tugs at the bell on the santa hat Harley had forced her to wear with her right. “What part of enemies do you not understand?!”
Harley shrieks at her. “It’s Christmas damnit! We agreed on a truce! A truce!!”
“So?! Villains and heros partying and gettin’ drunk on eggnogg together doesn’t seem odd to you?!”
Harley raises her other hand, revealing a giant candy cane plushie. She begjns to wave it in the air, threateningly. “TRUCE! TRUCE! TRUCE!”
“This is sooo stupid!” screams Ivy. “Are you retarded?!”
“SHUT UP!” The candy cane plushie swoops down repeatedly and Harley yells with each swing, ignoring Ivy’s yelps. “You. Will. Not. Ruin. This. Party.” She bashes Ivy in the head one more time and shouts. “You will enjoy this and we will have a good time!!”
Eyes blazing, Ivy tosses her head and strides forward. She has now officially sworn not to speak to her girlfriend for the rest of the evening. “Crazy bitch” she hisses under her breath, dumps their gifts under the tree, and finds a corner to sulk in.
Harley turns to Bruce, breathing heavily, and gives him an apologetic smile. “She’s not really in the Christmas spirit.”
He waves her off and makes another promise to himself to avoid them. No way will he get caught up in that couple’s spat – not if he can help it.
Bruce extends his hand and Harvey accepts, shaking it firmly. “Gifts, I assume, go under the tree?” He juts his chin forward and raises a eyebrow questioningly.
Bruce steps back and directs Harvey to the Christmas tree with a swoop of his arm. He watches Harvey bend down and place his gifts to one side and then make his way over to the moping Gordon who’s already on his third cup of eggnogg. “An elf, right?” Harvey remarks, tapping the Comissioner on the shoulder. Gordon smiles widely, his mood doing 180° in seconds. “YES, finally someone who gets it.”
A hand slides along his chest and he’s suddenly staring down into glinting, sly eyes. “Selina.”
“Batmmaaan,” she purrs. “I had hoped you’d be wearing something more colorful than your usual black.”
Bruce gently prys her hand from his pecs. “I like black.”
“And I like you.” She winks and then sashays forward. “Baaane, what are you doing, cuddling John like that? Did he finally let you two publicly be a couple?”
John realizes what they look like and hurries out of Bane’s arms. He struggles and lands in a heap onto the floor, his gaze scorching as he desperately seeks Bruce’s from across the room. “Batman!” He cries loudly, from his spot on the ground. “I am NOT compromised!!”
Bruce begins to laugh at John’s panic untangling of limbs and increases the volume of his laughter at Bane’s frustrated sigh. “Selina. I had just calmed him down.” He helps John to his feet. “Habibi, stop. You’re going to harm yourself.”
Bruce quiets his chuckle and turns his attention back to the door. He finds himself straining his neck as he peers out into the dark street. He’s not here yet….and Bruce is worried. “Maybe he thought that it wasn’t worth his time,” he mutters, a tinge of sadness he didn’t realize echoing from his lips.
He almost didn’t duck as a knife flew straight at him and buried itself into the wood of the door, right where his head had been. “Oh oh oh Batsy!” Chuckles flitted through the air. “Why did you hafta move?”
Bruce doesn’t try to contain his grin. The corners of his mouth lift and he beams at the smaller man. “Joker.” And without thinking, he pulls his nemesis into a hug. “I was a bit worried you wouldn’t come.”
Joker squirms out of the embrace and gives Bruce a once over. He narrows his eyes suspiciously. “Are you ok, Bats?” He smirks, despite the predatory gaze. “Did I finally break you my glorious batmaaan?”
Bruce a bit sheepish, rubs the back of his cowl. “Uh…”
Joker presses on, interrupting him. “Not that I care or anything…soooo where can I put this? Annnnd more importantly, ” he smacks his lips together gleefully, “when can we start opening gifts? Boy, are you in for a suuuurpise!”
Bruce groans and Joker’s tongue darts out to lick the corner of his lips. “Awww don’t be like that batsy. I swear on all the kiddies of Gotham that it’s not lethal…”
He shuffles his feet and lifts his hands defensively at Bruce’s hard look. “Cross my heart and…uh..” He breaks out in snicker. “hope to die.”
Bruce doesn’t believe him, but steps aside and lets the Joker in anyway. He follows behind, closing the door, and grabs some of Joker’s packages and helps him put them under the tree. “There. Now that everyone is here, the party can start.”
Joker snorts and pushes Batman towards Gordon and Harvey, intent on getting eggnog for the both of them. “Hey, Bats, who invited the jacked up Kermit doll from hell?” He eyes Gordon’s swaying body. “And uh…shouldn’t we stop it from drinking anymore eggnog?”
So, since I want to post this before midnight, I’m stopping it here. Fear not, I will finish this by tomorrow evening. (if all goes according to plan.) Anyways, what do y’all think?
And yes, I did mix movie and comic characters…why? Just ‘cos I can.
Next is Part II
Posted on December 25, 2013, in My Writings, Prompts/Challenges, Short Stories and tagged Bane, Batman, Blog Party, Bruce Wayne, Catwoman, Christmas, Crack, fanfic, Fiction, Fluff, fun, Funny, Gordon, Harley Quinn, Harvey Dent, humor, John, Joker, Matt Black, One shot, Poison Ivy, Selina Kyle, short, Silly. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.